New El.

November 5, 2010 at 5:49 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Hola, cats and kittens! Been a while, ain’t it? Perhaps you remember your old pal T-Bone, popularly known by squares as “Evil Timmy” on account of some of my less savory actions. Edmund’s had me under house arrest for a little while due to my alleged evilness, but I’ve paroled myself on my own recognizance by chewing off my ankle bracelet, you dig?

Dr. Singh couldn’t make it to the show this week, possibly because I had my boy Labtech Gene call her up and tell her she had “bone hepatitis” and needed expensive treatments immediately. Big props to Large G for the assist; never change, hairbaby. So, looks like I’ll be hosting this shindig for now.

Welcome, guys and dolls, to the triumphant return of T-Bone’s Evolving Item Report and Smooth Jazz Countdown.

First, let’s get the items outta the way so we can get to the real important Smooth Jazz meat and potatoes of this affair, you dig? We’ve got one item doing its crazy jive this week, plus another brand new item. Feast your eyes, babies:

New! This Rapid EI tells the tale of Anesidora’s Woe: if you see a sinister-looking box that might unleash a whole lot of trouble when it’s opened, it seems like a good idea to leave it alone. But what are the odds of that happening? We’ll find out soon as this EI speeds through its evolutionary life!

This week, the Forteanagoria returns with a host of creepy new cryptids from around the world. Expect a visit from the winged Ropen, the water-dwelling Mokele-Mbembe and the legendary Chupacabra!

If you wanna cop these fine little items, you can go visit that fine little item Flynn in the Gaia Cash Sh– wait, what? The producers are trying to lay some jive on me about Flynn being exiled to space. So, yeah: just go see whoever runs the Cash Shop nowadays and tell ’em T-Bone sent you– if they don’t know me, they ain’t worth knowing. And don’t forget to vote in the weekly EI poll, you dig?

And now, without further interruption, let’s get down to the Smooth Jazz. Babies, despite his incarcerationary unfortunateness, your boy T-Bone hasn’t lost one iota of his commitment to the Smooth Jazz Lifestyle. I’ve got the mellowness of a thousand saxophones running through my veins day and night, my friends, and we will now devote a few minutes to celebrating the most evi– I mean, uh, smooth music in the world. You ready? Boys, you got your turtlenecks on? Yeah. Let’s dig the countdown.

5. Chocolate Cake Supreme – Glacier Memories | Awwwwww yeaaaah. This is the real smoothness, people. You should need a prescription for this level of smoothness, you dig? May cause drowsiness… sexy drowsiness.

4. Whipsy Fauntleroy – Sensual Candlewax (The Hovercraft Song) | I’ll tell you what, kids: if I had a hovercraft– and I’ll have one someday, I promise you that– I would bump this jam nonstop during my swamp adventures and my bearskin interludes of hovercraft sensualness.

3. Benny Musk – Hot Lobsters | Hot new entry! Numero tres with a bullet! Dang, kittens, you can practically smell the cognac and cologne oozing out of this one. Genuine class, like a fresh pair of spats. I can dig this, and I only ask that you do the same.

2. Raoul Champagne – Butt Connection | Leave it to the smooth jazz genius of my good friend Raoul– author of the classic “Teatime For Ya Butt”– to find an entirely new way to use the word “butt” in the title of a song. My respect to you, Raoul.

1. Cassius LaFontaine – Let Me Put My Love Into There | Rest in peace, baby. Cass has been gone for some time, but it still hurts. It hurts so, so bad. But he was a man of visionary foresight, and he had the genius to record over sixty albums worth of the smoothest jazz any man could hope to… could hope to… I’m getting a little choked up, cats and kittens. I better take my leave for the week. Cassisus, you smooth angel? Can you hear me, baby? Play ’em off, wherever you are.